12 c d first

ch7-review.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,39 @@
+chapter 7:
+
+Opening
+>opening scene needs the CG of Fang's ass when Anon is gawping as she leans over the amp, it's in the art channel somewhere
+
+Tarot Reading
+>swapping Anon and Stella's places (and directions) in the tarot reading scene would solve the issue with "OPPAI" being flipped to "IAPPO"
+>whoosh SFX plays after Stella has left the scene, I suggest putting it in front of the `moveoutright` statement so it plays as that movement occurs
+>the screenshake effect when Anon trips ends with a slightly misaligned screen and you can see some transparency around the edges 
+>Anon does an odd screenwrap teleport when he falls over, you could check out when anon trips over gardening tools in chapter 5 for some ideas
+
+Showtime (general)
+>there's some script duplication at the start of both branches, I would pull this segment out of both branches and just stick it in front of where the real divergence occurs
+
+Showtime (leave cables)
+>this scene needs a soft transition like `with fade` after "We've got sweet music to play." since at the moment all the characters just appear
+>IMO this scene should not be taking place in Moe's backroom since it's supposed to be on a stage inside the main restaurant, looks to me like this is an oversight from the original game. You have a few options:
+>>A) ask for someone to source and process a stage background
+>>B) re-use the CG from the failed concert (potentially controversial)
+>>C) use the Moe's Pizza background with the `dimmer_darker` effect behind the characters
+>ask for an applause loop to insert at the appropriate point
+>if you use option B, return to a BG with the character sprites when it hits "The bandmates' faces light up" so you can show them all happy and sheit
+>Reed is falling off the right side of the screen a bit
+
+Showtime (fix cables)
+>see comment about the background
+>Reed is getting too cosy with Fang
+>Summertime Synth only plays for a couple of lines, I would move the `stop music fadeout` much further down. When Trish leaves would be a good time.
+>the line where Trish says "You are not the only person in the world!" was changed to "We exist too, you know!" in the script doc
+NOTE: For the above point I should have mentioned earlier, there are occasionally updated lines or segments that we have to watch out for - first thing I do when I'm reworking a chapter is to look for any changes in this google doc https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-T0SNGgRkypzXshZ16JqdKqaHL4fKUIR5XWsz0YTH_A
+>
+
+Post Showtime (leave cables)
+>the fanghug sprite after "Before I could react I was swept up in a blur of feathers" is suspended in midair, try a `yalign` of 0.0 or 0.1
+
+Cleaning Up
+>Reed appears very close to the right screen edge again. For situations like this where the quick and dirty location definitions are jank (`rright`?) you can specify the positioning with a custom `xalign`. This usually takes a bit of trial and error.
+>Trish overlaps quite a lot with Reed when she appears
+>personally I would not have gone for the heartbeat as well as the music

game/script.rpy

@@ -329,6 +329,7 @@ image farnsworth flip = im.Flip("other/farnsworth.png", horizontal=True)
 image carldelewski flip = im.Flip("other/carldelewski.png", horizontal=True)
 image fangdad unimpressed flip = im.Flip("fangparents/fangdad unimpressed.png", horizontal=True)
 image naser handout flip = im.Flip("naser/naser handout.png", horizontal=True)
+image fang adorable flip = im.Flip("fang/emotive set/fang adorable.png", horizontal=True)
 
 # vfx
 image black = "#000"

game/script/11D.anon-gets-fangs'-pronouns-right-and-she-teases-him-while-carrying-herself-with-more-confidence.rpy

@@ -72,17 +72,19 @@ label chapter_11D:
 
     A "What?! What’s with the look?"
 
-    "She shakes her head and holds up her wrist."
+    "She shakes her head and covers her mouth."
 
-    A "Uh… it’s ten thirty-seven? Why is that funny?"
+    A "Uh… Why is that funny?"
 
     F "Anon you ignorant slut."
 
-    F "Notice something missing?"
+    F "Notice something about me? Anything at all"
 
     A "...Why do you have feathers on your elbows anyway?"
 
-    F "Gawd! No! I’m not enbie, Anon."
+    F "Gawd! No! I’m not actually enbie, Anon."
+
+    "What? Oh! ‘She’."
 
     A "Oh… Still, why do you have feathers on your elbows?"
 

game/script/12C.anon-fang-lovey-dovey.rpy

@@ -4,7 +4,7 @@ label chapter_12C:
     play music "audio/OST/its_footloose_now.ogg" fadein 1.0
     "Later at my hovel of a home…"
 
-    show anon neutral at aleft
+    show anon neutral at aleft with dissolve
 
     A "Almost finished."
 
@@ -16,7 +16,7 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     F "I keep having these dreams where she mans up and I'm forced to talk to her again! They feel more like nightmares now!"
 
-    F "Rosa is too busy to help - with the exercises, I mean - but I hope the camping trip will be fun."
+    F "Rosa is too busy to help{w=0.2} - with the exercises, I mean - but I hope the camping trip will be fun."
 
     A "Well it's done. All of it."
 
@@ -34,7 +34,7 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     F "You're so good to me."
 
-    A "Thanks. F- Lucy."
+    A "Thanks. F-{w=0.3} Lucy."
 
     F "Is there nothing you really want from me?"
 
@@ -42,15 +42,15 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     F "More naps?"
 
-    F "or perhaps hugs?"
+    F "Or perhaps hugs?"
 
     F "Hand holding?"
-
+    pause 0.5
     "I'm sweating profusely."
 
-    F "Or maybe...a kiss?"
+    F "Or maybe...{w=0.4}a kiss?"
 
-    A "Kiss? With that huge snoot?"
+    A "Kiss?{w=0.1} With that huge snoot?"
 
     F "Why? Are you afraid? Have you never kissed a dinosaur before?"
 
@@ -58,17 +58,17 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     F "Not even a human girl?"
 
-    A "Uhhh..."
+    A "{cps=*0.5}Uhhh...{/cps}"
 
-    F "So I'm your first? That's exciting."
+    F "So I'm your first?{w=0.2} That's exciting."
 
     A "This is so weird, I don't know how I'm feeling right now. Don't you feel weird too?"
 
     F "I've kissed shorter snouts, yours can't be that different."
 
-    F "Uh...look Anon, if it doesn't work out..."
+    F "Uh...{w=0.3}look Anon, if it doesn't work out..."
 
-    F "...It won't change anything. Right?"
+    F "...It won't change anything.{w=0.3} Right?"
 
     A "Promise?"
 
@@ -105,15 +105,15 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     "..."
 
-    F "*glug* *hack* *urk*"
+    F "*glug*{w=0.2} *hack*{w=0.2} *urk*"
 
-    A "Oh god how long is your tongue?! I think I reached your tonsils!"
+    A "Oh god how long is your tongue?! I think I almost threw up."
 
-    F "*cough* Oh god *cough* I think I almost threw up."
+    F "*cough*{w=0.2} Oh god *cough*{w=0.2} I think I reached your tonsils! *hurk*"
 
     A "Shit sorry sorry sorr-"
 
-    F "No no. It’s fine. Let me think."
+    F "No no. It’s fine.{w=0.2} Let me think."
 
     F "Let’s try the other one again."
 
@@ -121,7 +121,7 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     "..."
 
-    F "Don’t open as *mnph*... wide."
+    F "Don’t open as *mnph*...{w=0.4} wide."
 
     "..."
 
@@ -137,13 +137,13 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     "..."
 
-    A "I don’t know… I’ll probably never get the hang of this."
+    A "I don’t know…{w=0.2} I’ll probably never get the hang of this."
 
-    F "Really? I uh… think it was… nice."
+    F "Really? I uh… {w=0.2}think it was… {w=0.2}nice."
 
     A "Wait seriously?"
 
-    F "Y-yeah. You’re not a *bad* kisser."
+    F "Y-yeah. You’re not a {i}bad{/i} kisser."
 
     A "Bullshit."
 
@@ -170,7 +170,7 @@ label chapter_12C:
     F "I can feel your heart beating. It’s so loud."
     stop music fadeout 1.0
     scene black with fade
-    A "Y-yeah, same."
+    A "Y-yeah,{w=0.2} same."
 
     "..."
 
@@ -236,7 +236,7 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     A "{i}Alriiiiiight. As long as we have tents. I don’t wanna deal with insects.{/i}"
 
-    A "{i}As long as we have tents.{/i} Me and my stupid fucking mouth."
+    A "{i}As long as we have tents.{/i}{w=0.2} Me and my stupid fucking mouth."
 
     scene campsite
     show anon neutral at acenter
@@ -256,9 +256,9 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     St "Wait, which ones were which again?"
 
-    A "Wha- If I bite into even a single bug your cards are going into the campfire."
+    A "Wha-{w=0.2} If I bite into even a single bug your cards are going into the campfire."
 
-    Ro "Hey! Camping is supposed to be relaxing! Relax!"
+    Ro "Hey! Camping is supposed to be relaxing!{w=0.2} Relax!"
 
     Ro "Also, when you’re done with the tents you need to start the campfire."
 
@@ -268,7 +268,7 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     St "Just… figured you’d know, is all."
 
-    A "Why would I… Hey!"
+    A "Why would I{cps=*0.5}...{/cps} Hey!"
 
     St "The principal fits the bill so well."
 
@@ -327,7 +327,7 @@ label chapter_12C:
     "Lucy gets that look in her eye and snatches the bigger one right off."
 
     St "Eventide draws near. I believe it best we sojourn from the fated ones, Rosa. My scrying glass awaits."
-
+    pause 0.5
     "What."
     show fang neutral flip
     F "Er, what? I don’t speak… whatever the fuck that was."
@@ -337,6 +337,7 @@ label chapter_12C:
     A "Then why didn’t she just say that?"
 
     "Rosa and Stella take their plates of imposter kebabs and start walking to the other end of Rosa’s yard."
+    show fang neutral at sleft with dissolve
     stop music fadeout 1.0
     play music "audio/OST/middle_of_nowhere.ogg" fadein 1.0
     hide rosa
@@ -355,7 +356,7 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     "Damn her and her filthy ptero-logic."
 
-    A "Fiiiiiiiiine. You can have a bite."
+    A "{cps=*0.65}Fiiiiiiiiine{/cps}. You can have a bite."
 
     "I hold out the meat on a stick for her."
 
@@ -365,7 +366,7 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     "Once she pulls away I’m left holding a crispy yet clean wooden stick."
 
-    F "Mmmm… Stolen food is the best food."
+    F "Mmmm… {w=0.4}Stolen food is the best food."
 
     show fang happy with dissolve
 
@@ -397,6 +398,7 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     A "Heh."
 
+    pause 0.5
     "Lucy and I listen to the crackling of the fire for a few minutes."
 
     "Somewhere in the distance I hear Stella yelling at Rosa about leaving the telescope cap on."
@@ -415,7 +417,7 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     F "... Your kebab’s on fire."
 
-    A "Huh- Shit!"
+    A "Huh-{w=0.3} Shit!"
 
     "I blow out the now burnt chunks of meat."
 
@@ -453,7 +455,7 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     A "I don’t remember now, this was like a decade ago."
 
-    A "... Orion’s belt?"
+    A "...{w=0.3} Orion’s belt?"
 
     F "Anyone can name Orion’s belt."
 
@@ -485,7 +487,7 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     F "Aren’t you the big strong man."
 
-    A "... Fuck it. A compliment’s a compliment."
+    A "...{w=0.3} Fuck it. A compliment’s a compliment."
 
     "We gaze up at the night sky in companionable silence."
 
@@ -520,9 +522,9 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     F "Thank you for being here with me, Anon."
 
-    A "I mean… This was all you. And Rosa and Stella too."
+    A "I mean… {w=0.3}This was all you. And Rosa and Stella too."
 
-    F "No, you big dweeb… I mean…"
+    F "No, you big dweeb… {w=0.3}I mean…"
 
     F "You’ve always been there for me even when I was so mean to you."
 
@@ -542,7 +544,7 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     "Lucy’s fingers dance across my cheek."
 
-    "Slowly, slowly, ever so slowly."
+    "Slowly,{w=0.4} slowly,{w=0.4} ever so slowly."
 
     "Her eyes lid as she leans forward, her head tilting and her mouth opening slowly."
 
@@ -566,7 +568,7 @@ label chapter_12C:
 
     F "I love you."
 
-    "Yeah. Me too."
+    "Yeah.{w=0.3} Me too."
 
     "She giggles and lays down. Her head resting on my shoulder and her wing becoming a blanket as we look back to the stars."
 

game/script/12D.aquarium.rpy

@@ -25,7 +25,7 @@ label chapter_12D:
     "My great idea was to take out the map of the city I’d had since I moved in and throw a dart at it to decide where we’d go for the day."
 
     "There’s lots of neat places in the city for dates, the mall, the arcade, a local amusement park."
-
+    pause 0.5
     "...And the dart landed in the ocean over the dock."
 
     "The look from Fang told me she wasn’t stepping anywhere near a tuna boat."
@@ -50,23 +50,23 @@ label chapter_12D:
 
     "Looking through one of the map kiosks, I try to make a mental plan for the trip."
 
-    show anon neutral at aleft
+    show anon neutral at aleft with dissolve
-    show fang neutral at sright
+    show fang neutral at sright with dissolve
 
 
-    A "Uhh… They got exhibits for the deep sea, the gulf of Mexico, the dopefish, tropical reefs…"
+    A "Uhh… {w=0.2}They got exhibits for the deep sea, the gulf of Mexico, the dopefish, tropical reefs…"
 
-    A "... Eenie meanie mini-"
+    A "... Eenie{w=0.15} meanie{w=0.15} mini-"
 
     F "Really?"
 
     A "Sea turtles it is."
 
-    "I take Fang’s hand and lead her through the lobby into the cmber labeled ‘Sea Turtle Conservatory’."
+    "I take Fang’s hand and lead her through the lobby into the chamber labeled ‘Sea Turtle Conservatory’."
 
-    scene aquariumexhibit
+    scene aquariumexhibit with fade
 
-    F "Anon, are you sure you want to spend the day here? If you wanted to go to the mall or somethin- omigawd."
+    F "Anon, are you sure you want to spend the day here? If you wanted to go to the mall or somethin- {cps=*2.0}omigawd.{/cps}"
 
     "A little sea turtle swims out of hiding in the tank right in front of us."
 
@@ -74,8 +74,8 @@ label chapter_12D:
 
     F "Look at these cute little shits, I love them!"
 
-    show fang adorable at sleft
+    show fang adorable at sleft with dissolve
-    show anon neutral at aright
+    show anon neutral at aright with dissolve 
 
     A "Yeah, I see them."
 
@@ -89,7 +89,7 @@ label chapter_12D:
 
     A "Come on Fang, there’s more stuff to see."
 
-    F "Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno."
+    F "{cps=*0.75}Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno{/cps}."
 
     A "There’s more here than just those baby turtles, you know."
 
@@ -107,37 +107,53 @@ label chapter_12D:
 
     A "Oh look, a Dumbo Octopus."
 
-    F "Whereisit?"
+    F "{cps=*2.0}Whereisit?{/cps}"
 
     "In a snap Fang’s moved from pressing her face against the turtle tank to pressing it against the octopus tank."
 
     scene aquariumexhibit
-    show fang happy at sleft
+    show fang happy at sleft with dissolve
     #confirmed that fang has autism
     Attendant "Ma’am, please refrain from-"
 
     show fang adorable at sleft
 
-    F "OmigoshAnonlookatit."
+    F "{cps=*1.5}OmigoshAnonlookatit.{/cps}"
 
     F "It’s like a living egg yolk with button eyes."
 
     A "Is that the first analogy you can think of…?"
 
-    F "And what’s over there? Are those seahorses holy crap I have to take a video of this."
+    F "And what’s over there? Are those seahorses{cps=*1.5} holy crap I have to take a video of this.{/cps}"
 
     "I shrug apologetically at the attendant who has given up entirely."
+    
+    #Fang has the zoomies
+    show fang adorable with dissolve:
+        zoom 0.8
+        yalign -0.1
+        xalign 1.1
+    pause 1.0
+
 
     "But watching Fang zoom between the exhibits to gush over each oddly cute sea animal was just too much."
+    show fang adorable flip with dissolve:
+        zoom 1.0
+        xalign 0.1
+        yalign 0.1
+    pause 1.0
 
     "Subtly my phone finds its way into my jacket pocket, already set to record."
-
+    show fang adorable at scenter with dissolve:
+        zoom 0.6
+        yalign 0.6
+        xalign 1.0
     show anonphone at scenter with moveinbottom
 
     "She’ll probably kill me if she found out."
-
+    hide fang adorable with dissolve
     "But it’d be a good death."
-
+    pause 0.5
     "Wait, where’d she go?"
 
     hide anonphone with moveoutbottom
@@ -171,7 +187,7 @@ label chapter_12D:
 
     "Fang doesn’t seem completely convinced, though."
 
-    F "You sure they’re alright to just touch like that? Aren't those dangerous?"
+    F "You sure they’re alright to just touch like that?{w=0.2} Aren't those dangerous?"
 
     A "I mean, it’s a bit slimy, but there’s a hand sanitizer thing on the wall right there."
 
@@ -200,7 +216,7 @@ label chapter_12D:
     "After a few more rounds of rays, Fang decides she’s had enough."
 
 
-    scene aquarium
+    scene aquarium 
     show anon neutral at aleft
     show fang happy flip at sright
     with fade
@@ -290,7 +306,7 @@ label chapter_12D:
 
     "Her dolphin duplicate did too."
 
-    A "You’re fucking with me, aren’t you."
+    A "You’re fucking with me,{w=0.2} aren’t you."
 
     F "What’re you talking about?"
 
@@ -313,20 +329,20 @@ label chapter_12D:
     scene aquariumtube with fade
 
     "From within the glass walkway we’re surrounded by a myriad of colorful marine life swimming around us."
-    show fang surprised at sright
+    show fang surprised at sright with dissolve
-    show anon neutral at aleft
+    show anon neutral at aleft with dissolve
 
     "Fang’s eyes are wide as she tries to follow the different schools of fish that dart to and fro about."
 
     "I’m more mesmerized by the water filtered light cascading off Fang, casting her in a gentle glow that illuminates her white feathers."
 
-    "God. So glad I’m recording this."
+    "God.{w=0.2} So glad I’m recording this."
 
     F "Recording what?"
 
     show fang neutral flip with dissolve
 
-    A "The uh… The shark! Yeah, that cool looking shark over there!"
+    A "The uh…{w=0.3} {cps=*2.0}The shark!{/cps} Yeah, that cool looking shark over there!"
 
     "I point to the shark that’s currently lazing about, casually drifting by the walkway."
 
@@ -350,11 +366,15 @@ label chapter_12D:
 
     F "O-oh."
 
-    A "Wait… are you sca-"
+    A "Wait…{w=0.2} are you sca-"
 
-    F "No! I just… Wasn’t expecting it, is all."
+    F "No! I just…{w=0.2} Wasn’t expecting it, is all."
+
+    show anon neutral at aleft:
+        linear 1.0 xalign 0.5
 
     "I offer her my hand."
+    
 
     "Despite her claim otherwise I can feel how tense she is by how her fingernails dig into my hand."
     scene black with fade
@@ -369,7 +389,7 @@ label chapter_12D:
 
     A "Beautiful."
 
-    F "Yeah… that…"
+    F "Yeah…{w=0.3} that…"
 
     "I wasn’t referring to the exhibit."
 
@@ -379,7 +399,7 @@ label chapter_12D:
     "My eyes have adjusted enough that I can see Fang’s eyes locked onto mine, the gossamer light making them glow."
     "My lips press softly onto Fang’s beak-end in a chaste peck."
 
-    F "eep!"
+    F "Eep!"
     F "Oi! G-give me a warning next time!"
 
     A "Mmmm… Naaaah."
@@ -388,9 +408,9 @@ label chapter_12D:
 
     "Our interlocked fingers prevent her from using her preferred elbow tactic."
 
-    A "So… had fun?"
+    A "So…{w=0.2} had fun?"
 
-    F "Mmmm… Maaaaybe…"
+    F "Mmmm… {w=0.2}Maaaaybe…"
 
     F "I’ll say yes if you delete that recording."
 
@@ -416,8 +436,9 @@ label chapter_12D:
 
     "And a very relaxed girlfriend."
 
-    "Overall, mission successful."
+    "Overall,{w=0.2} mission successful."
-
+    
+    pause 0.5
     "Except the sunburn."
 
     "Ow."